My First Encounter with a Broken Seam

Winter landscape and roses in my hood

When I was a little girl I had this habit of hanging from my Dad's pockets like a little monkey. I remember how much fun it was to to feel that thrilling sensation of floating off the ground as we walked down the streets of Helsinki together, up up up and away!

But as I grew bigger the pockets started to look more and more sad from all of my monkey business, and slowly but surely the the seams started to break and unravel. And so to my disappointment, my years of hanging from my Dad's pockets came to an end.

For some reason this memory feels like a really big turning point in my up to then very short life. It was the first time I encountered having broken something (well, that I can remember at least), and where growing up was preventing me from doing something that I loved.

I was basically standing in my own way of happiness as I saw it.

It was confusing to face the fact I could do such damage, even though, in the bigger scope of life breaking a pocket is not such an epic screw up, but from a child's perspective it was a big deal.

The reason this particular memory has bubbled up to the surface recently is that I've been thinking about how the way we perceive ourselves affect the way we react and respond to the world around us.

As a child I was surprised that I had become bigger and had the capabilities of such destruction, and had a hard time accepting that change. My self image and reality were struggling to keep up with each other.

Now after over two decades of dance training I'm more aware of my physical limitations and 1,71 m wingspan (although, I just managed to knock over my coffee all over the couch so I guess the body awareness thing is still a work in progress).

faded blue jeans and pink flowers

But I share this because I wanted to talk about something that feels pretty vulnerable and scary to bring up that I think many can relate to, which is having self destructive thoughts and standing in the way of your own success.

People close to me (mostly my boyfriend and Mom, yes my inner circle is very cool LOL) have mentioned a couple of times that I have a tendency to be a bit self destructive at times.

It mostly manifests itself in me being too hard on myself and self criticism that can numb me and wipe out all my self confidence. Not great when you're trying to build up your whole life around your creativity.

My creative process is a bit like that time when I was hanging onto my Dads pockets.

First everything is happy go lucky ad I'm swinging away for a while, until my inner voice starts to go “hey this isn't good enough” and the seams of the pocket starts to fall apart, but I don't realize that it's the weight of my body, or in the case of my negative thoughts that are actually causing the damage.

Again I wonder, is self awareness the key to avoid this confusion and pain?

Maybe all the self help meditation gurus do have a point after all?

Will I be able to handle it all better if I keep track of my own growth and somehow try to observe my mind when these thoughts of self destructive nature begin to cloud my blue inner sky?

Snow globe

A lot of introspection and reflection going on here today, and I don't know if this is helping me anymore than it is you, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all have inner battles that we're fighting, and that talking about it and getting some perspective on the whole thing is probably not such a bad idea.

Anyway, I'll go back to try and plan my upcoming vlog now (self destructive thoughts nightmare), and if you want to share your thoughts or experiences on this topic I'd be delighted to continue the discussion over here or on Instagram :)

 

 

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